A Feeling Something Like Loneliness

It's bittersweet how we all get busy with our lives and lose track of people and places that we were once so close to. Sometimes due to moving to new places, demanding jobs, raising a family, caregiving, all of these or many more. And it's not just people and places: at some point we can look at who we, ourselves, used to be and wonder where we went.

I keep seeing articles and podcasts about this, sadly it seems to be pretty common these days. Epicurean friendship and prudence are invaluable in this regard; I wish that I'd discovered these tools long ago! Although the stability of the garden is long gone, the knowledge and understanding that remain can still help us in the sometimes difficult work of living.

Odd feelings and reflective moods, pleasures and pains: our guides, for as long as we listen.

This is an experience that in my view emphasizes the importance of educating children early about the way things are in life - constantly moving - and that things never really come to rest for us until we die. Religions and idealistic philosophies teach the opposite - that there are permanent ideas and permanent pal-gods who will be with us not only for our whole lives but forever in eternity. One natural effect of that is to think that things will always be the same, and that in fact we'll all spend eternity united with our loved ones in heaven, so really who cares how we spend our time right now?

If people from a young age were taught the way things are, it would be a lot easier to keep focus on how important each day is, and how we have to expect change and learn to be comfortable with it.

I know I feel this way (about losing the past) regularly and it seems to just get more acute as we get older.

Reminds me of a line we don't talk about too often:

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We must then bear in mind that the future is neither ours, nor yet wholly not ours, so that we may not altogether expect it as sure to come, nor abandon hope of it, as if it will certainly not come.

Yes that's the attitude that should be instilled in people at as young an age as possible, especially instead of filling their heads with much about their "fate" or "god's will" or "hard determinism"

Quote from Cassius

Reminds me of a line we don't talk about too often:

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We must then bear in mind that the future is neither ours, nor yet wholly not ours, so that we may not altogether expect it as sure to come, nor abandon hope of it, as if it will certainly not come.

This almost sounds like a Stoic quote, but I'm glad of that! They don't own this concept of being aware of what's in our control and what isn't. This is a good one!

But I don't think the Stoics could ever endorse it due to their insistence on fate and divine providence, correct? Or no? The ancient, consistent, Stoics, I mean, not the modern variety

I was thinking it would fall under their insights l indifferents or maybe the things you can control and the things you can't.

That's possible, I guess. I was thinking about it in terms of it being focused on "the future" - which seems to be a particularly broad way of looking at things from a theoretical point of view.

My guess is that the Stoics would maybe say "fate" instead of "the future," implying something pre-determined instead of something open to chance. So in some ways the response could be the same, but the world views are completely different.

I just found an NPR article and also a website called Project UnLonely... some excerpts:

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The Three Types of Loneliness

Feeling lonely doesn’t just mean you feel alone. You can be with many people but still feel like you are not really connected to them. Just like there are many types of love, there are also different types of loneliness. Knowing the different types can help us address them effectively.

To find out what kind of loneliness you’re feeling, you can ask yourself a few questions:

1. Psychological - This might be the “flavor” of loneliness you’re most familiar with. How we feel about our social connections and close relationships can contribute to feelings of interpersonal or psychological loneliness.

“Does someone have my back?”

“Is there someone that I can tell my troubles to?”

2. Societal - This type of loneliness is all about belonging -- experienceing acceptance and safety. Societal or organizational loneliness can impact anyone in workplaces, schools, or communities.

“Am I welcome and valued?”

“Am I safe?”

3. Existential - Having existential thoughts or spiritual questions is a part of life, but if someone has these types of thoughts very often, or is upset by them, they can result in feelings of isolation and loneliness.

“Does my life matter?”

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The Five Territories of Loneliness

Trauma -

Trauma refers to a kind of harm that can be physical or emotional, happening suddenly or over a long time. It can be caused by stressful events like war, sexual assault, terrorism, childhood abuse, natural disasters, mass shootings or even the COVID-19 pandemic.

Illness -

Getting sick can sometimes make a person feel separated from their friends and family, as if they are dealing with life’s problems all by themselves. This can happen with many kinds of illnesses, including cancer, cardiovascular issues, obesity, and mental health problems.

Aging -

Older people might feel lonely due to loss of friends or family members and cognitive decline. They might also feel left out of society due to financial issues or health challenges. Additionally, they might feel a deep kind of loneliness as they think about the end of their life and what they will leave behind.

Difference -

Feeling different from others can make it hard to feel confident about who you are, leading to societal loneliness. This can be experienced by first-generation immigrants, members of the LGBTQ+ community, people of color, people with disabilities, or anyone who may feel different.

Modernity -

The modern world has changed the ways people socialize. Instead of meeting in person, we now have options like social media, chat forums, and online dating apps to connect with others. Even though these platforms can help us connect, they can also make us feel lonely.

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Modernity is a major issue, and makes it difficult to build and maintain friendships. The website Project UnLonely suggests making art and connecting through art (but that probably only appeals to a certain number of people who already have art as a hobby).

I do think it would be a very interesting project for us here on the forum to help facilitate the development of in-person Epicurean Philosophy meetings. We could create a guidebook for how to run the meeting as well as suggesting discussion topics, and also this forum could have a section for posting info about in-person meetings.

Part of friendship is creating the skills for making friends and being a better friend... and there is a Friendship subforum:

Friendship